Hallelujah You Are Good

Nothing streamlines my thoughts like music.

Sometimes I see reality as a montage set to music. I see beauty in the form of melodies dancing behind a beautiful moment I remember from the past.

But I love it when those montages bleed through to current moments - or moments that sit in the recent yesterday instead of the yesteryear.

You are with us
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
You are good.

My son is worrying me, guys. It's not because he has reached a critical point, it's because I have started to worry and play possible futures over in my mind and I just worry. I'm his mom. I just want him to be okay and I want him to be able to go to a mainstream school and function well socially, and sometimes I worry about tomorrow before I should.

And when faith gives way to fear
I will trust Your heart
I will trust Your heart
When I cannot feel You near
I will trust Your heart
I will trust Your heart

The truth is that I've been in a place of grief recently. I have invalidated our own struggles more than I should have. I didn't know that you grieve over every loss in a special needs family, even when your losses feel so insignificant. My son is physically healthy, but neurologically different.

I feel grief over the fact that my older kids lose my attention sometimes. I feel grief over the field trips I can't accompany when it's too much for my youngest child. I feel loss when I know my kids can't sit through a puppet show unless there is another adult who can take Joe because for now it's still too much.

There is guilt for all of the screen time that I allow because if I don't have enough quiet, I won't make it. Every ideal that used to play out for real in my home that's been cast aside somewhere along the way.

In the ashes and the dust
in the sorrow and pain
lies the promise of His word
and the power of His name

I grieve over potential losses that aren't even here yet. I don't understand this process. Or rather, I didn't. I didn't think that having a child with sensory differences would allow me a small peek inside the world of special needs families. I keep telling myself how different our journey is. Josiah doesn't have Downs Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy, learning delays, or even ADHD. But special needs, no matter how high functioning, will change a family. The burden of need may be smaller, but the burden of life's expectations will rise to compensate for everything that your child is still able to do. And that means that the struggle is valid, regardless of the location of a family on the special needs spectrum. Understanding that has taken some personal concession on my part. Yes we are a special needs family. Yes we do need some accommodation sometimes, no matter how much I want that to not be our story.

I'm learning that the burden of the future sometimes lands squarely on today, and it requires us to constantly deflect it. No. Tomorrow can't have me today. I am staying here.

You are with us
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
You are good

Today I'm putting my glasses on my nose and leaving them there - the right ones, not the rose-colored ones or the shaded ones. I'm remembering everything I have seen so far and I'm keeping my eyes open for whatever is next.

There's a message being written through the morning sun
And a new song for the broken
Death has lost
Love has won


Maybe someone else will read these words at some point when they need the reminder.

Hallelujah
I have tasted
Hallelujah
I have seen it
Hallelujah
You are good

I am grateful for every God-breathed step forward, every person who has come across our path with love and understanding, every doctor, therapist, friend, child-care worker who has decided to love us and all of our kids. Every friend and family member who has checked on us at the right moment. I have tasted. I have seen it. We are not forgotten. He is good.

Hallelujah
I remember
Hallelujah
I believe it
Hallelujah
You are good

On Teaching Kids Not To Obey

I am not a parenting expert. I'm a mom with an opinion. Lets get that out of the way right now. I'm not going to try to list my qualifications, because aside from the fact that I'm the second of eight kids (lots of big sister hours logged here) and I have three kids, I have no real credentials.

But I want to talk about kids and obedience.

Growing up, I never thought the subject of obedience was a controversial one or worthy of much discussion, because I was taught to obey my parents. As I've grown to become an adult, then a mother and an auntie and a human being who lives in society, I've seen and heard a few things that cause me to ache inside. If you're expecting me to say that I hurt because "kids these days just aren't taught to miiiiind authority" then this isn't the blog for you.

No, I hurt because I have seen and spoken to adults who were once children who were taught to obey with absolute and unwavering compliance and it hurt them deeply. If you were taught to obey and it never caused you any harm, I hope you'll keep reading.

I started hearing moms ask, quite seriously, "Should I make my kids obey me?" And at first I didn't understand the question. I thought the answer was an obvious yes.

See, I expect my kids to obey me. I expect them to obey their dad and I expect them to obey their grandparents, and for the most part, their aunts and uncles and Sunday school teachers/small group leaders and their bus drivers and school teachers as well.

When a child of mine comes home in a huff about any of those persons in authority over them, I will side with the authority figure 99% of the time. Kids are kids with brains that are still developing, and they are, of course, immature and usually uninformed about the facts of many situations. I unapologetically consider myself a "straighten up and fly right" sort of mom. 

But I don't just talk to my kids about obeying authority these days. I am so thankful for the precious, willing, healing people who have shared personal stories that have taught me that there is more.

Now I also talk to my kids about when they should say no to authority. When they should kick up a fuss and make as much noise as they can and refuse to obey. I tell my kids that when authority is hurting your body or touching you in any way that is inappropriate, you stop listening and you tell someone that you trust. I tell them that it doesn't matter who it is. It doesn't matter if it's someone I like, love, or respect. It doesn't matter if it seems minor or silly, you can tell Mom and Dad. I have learned that these conversations have to happen early, and then I hope and pray that that information is never needed by my kids. I drill them from the time that they are toddlers on which parts of their body are "only theirs" and we recap often.

And sometimes I think we forget that the parents in our society are often wounded people. We tout that if only spanking made a real comeback, kids would learn respect. I'm not here to open that can of worms. But I want to turn our eyes toward the fact that if you or I have the blissful privilege of thinking that discipline is the only element lacking from society's parenting ideals, then we are so blessedly ignorant. 

I always knew that there were hurting people in the world, but I didn't always know that it is so many of us. This generation is not unique in that way - people have always been hurting each other - but the exposure and judgment are at an all-time high.

What if the mom with the wild kids is really scared to teach her kids to wordlessly obey? What if her biggest fear in all of life is setting up her children for the kind of hurt that she had to endure? If you think I'm pinning an entire world of poor parenting on extreme situations like abuse and molestation, let me assure you that I understand that that isn't the case. Maybe it's much simpler and no one ever modeled good parenting for the aforementioned mother? But I would also implore you to understand that there are more people in your circle who have lived through abuse than you will probably ever know.

So I guess this is the point of my blog today. Lets teach our kids to obey authority, but lets not be shy about teaching them when to say, scream, declare a confident "NO."